For the past few months I have had this reoccurring… vision? Dream? I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes it comes to me at night, sometimes it’s a thought that haunts me during the day. Either way, it always stops me in my tracks. It’s short and pretty straight forward.
There is a faceless nameless man in front of me, who I know I am madly in love with with every ounce of my being, and he gets on one knee and asks me to be his bride. All at once I am struck with a crippling fear, and I have this overbearing desire to expose my every fault to him at that moment. How can this man love me? Does he know how annoying I can be? Does he know how emotional I am? Does he realize how broken my past is? Surely he can’t know any of these things, because if he did, there is NO WAY he would want to spend the rest of his life with me. I adore this man, but I just cannot believe that his feelings for me could even begin to compare to mine for him. Each time these thoughts come to me, I am left feeling incomplete and alone. And there are so many aspects to this vision that confuse me. How on earth was I able to deceive
this man into thinking he wanted to spend the rest of my life with me if he didn’t know ALL of me, the good and the bad? I know that I love this man, so why is my first reaction after he proposes Fear? And who is he?
For the first few weeks, I assumed this was a parallel to the men in my life, and how I have a hard time exposing my flaws and being honest. That makes sense, I naturally keep a wall around me and I like to control the way that I am perceived by other people ESPECIALLY men. But today when this ‘vision’ came to me I was struck by another thought. Is this the way I am treating my Savior? The ULTIMATE romancer of my heart, someone who I am undoubtedly in love with, and yet His love for me always seems jaded?
Whoa.
Something so seemingly basic, and yet is STILL impossible for me to accept. Receiving Gods Love. And although it may sound naive, a part of me still feels that if He knew who I really was, if He knew my flaws, His love for me would be void. Which is just plain silly, of course He knows my flaws. But some part of me still has a desire for that aspect of control. I can’t control the way God perceives me, it doesn’t work like that.
‘God look at me while I’m loving my family, but NOT when I’m cursing customers at work’
‘God know my heart when I’m joyful and NOT when I’m deceiving my parents’
It just sounds ridiculous. I can’t TRICK God into seeing only the ‘holy’ part of me. It’s all or nothing. And I know that. Or at least I should, but apparently my subconscious is a little more stubborn.
I’m confused as to where to go from here. This is obviously something that’s plaguing my mind. And I already KNOW the answers. I can quote the bible versus about Gods love all day long. I know this stuff. But receiving it. Accepting it. Allowing God to LOVE my flaws…. dang. That’s tough. But if that’s what He wants from me… then I really have no choice.
