Child-like?

The concept of reverting to a child-like faith is anything but new. Everyone’s heard the idea and been told the importance of coming to the Father like a child. It’s a rather simple concept and yet is quite difficult to actually put into practice. Speaking as a young adult, I view my future as very serious and structured and I when look at my past, my childhood, I view it as fun and carefree and light. Now somehow I’m supposed to move FORWARD in my relationship with Christ by having child-like faith which feels a lot like moving BACKWARD because how can anything about me be child-like if I’m in my 20’s? That’s one of the difficulties I and I think a lot of other young people have with my faith.
And like I said it’s not easy to put into practice, but there are times like tonight for me, when you just GET it. I don’t know why, and the more I think about it the less sense it makes, but while I was driving on the freeway I was just HIT with this obvious truth that God is indeed God, and that I am indeed HIS in every possible way. And no matter what happens, no matter where I go in my life I will never, not for a second, leave His protection or His love. As all these crazy (yet seemingly simple) facts just hit me, I was filled with the most amazing acceptance. I could fight it. It would be easy and probably much more logical for me to put a philosophical twist on all of these thoughts, but I didn’t. I just sat and believed and had no doubt and was perfectly happy with every aspect of my faith. And with that acceptance came something equally as amazing- the realization of my wisdom. I don’t mean this to sound arrogant because this certainly doesn’t apply to me only, but I am SMART. And I have a powerful voice and I have things to say that can and will bring kingdom. The enemy’s greatest weapon is his deception. And if he can get disciples, like myself, to doubt their worth or to hesitate before they speak truth- he wins. But the good news is that that win is not finite. THAT is the beauty of redemption my friends, because at times –like tonight- God can choose to randomly reveal those truths to you (again) and you can remember WHO YOU ARE and WHO HE CREATED YOU TO BE.
With no doubts.
And no questions.
Just pure, simple, child-like Faith

Fear of Exposure

For the past few months I have had this reoccurring… vision? Dream? I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes it comes to me at night, sometimes it’s a thought that haunts me during the day. Either way, it always stops me in my tracks. It’s short and pretty straight forward.
There is a faceless nameless man in front of me, who I know I am madly in love with with every ounce of my being, and he gets on one knee and asks me to be his bride. All at once I am struck with a crippling fear, and I have this overbearing desire to expose my every fault to him at that moment. How can this man love me? Does he know how annoying I can be? Does he know how emotional I am? Does he realize how broken my past is? Surely he can’t know any of these things, because if he did, there is NO WAY he would want to spend the rest of his life with me. I adore this man, but I just cannot believe that his feelings for me could even begin to compare to mine for him. Each time these thoughts come to me, I am left feeling incomplete and alone. And there are so many aspects to this vision that confuse me. How on earth was I able to deceive this man into thinking he wanted to spend the rest of my life with me if he didn’t know ALL of me, the good and the bad? I know that I love this man, so why is my first reaction after he proposes Fear? And who is he?
For the first few weeks, I assumed this was a parallel to the men in my life, and how I have a hard time exposing my flaws and being honest. That makes sense, I naturally keep a wall around me and I like to control the way that I am perceived by other people ESPECIALLY men. But today when this ‘vision’ came to me I was struck by another thought. Is this the way I am treating my Savior? The ULTIMATE romancer of my heart, someone who I am undoubtedly in love with, and yet His love for me always seems jaded?

Whoa.

Something so seemingly basic, and yet is STILL impossible for me to accept. Receiving Gods Love. And although it may sound naive, a part of me still feels that if He knew who I really was, if He knew my flaws, His love for me would be void. Which is just plain silly, of course He knows my flaws. But some part of me still has a desire for that aspect of control. I can’t control the way God perceives me, it doesn’t work like that.
‘God look at me while I’m loving my family, but NOT when I’m cursing customers at work’
‘God know my heart when I’m joyful and NOT when I’m deceiving my parents’
It just sounds ridiculous. I can’t TRICK God into seeing only the ‘holy’ part of me. It’s all or nothing. And I know that. Or at least I should, but apparently my subconscious is a little more stubborn.

I’m confused as to where to go from here. This is obviously something that’s plaguing my mind. And I already KNOW the answers. I can quote the bible versus about Gods love all day long. I know this stuff. But receiving it. Accepting it. Allowing God to LOVE my flaws…. dang. That’s tough. But if that’s what He wants from me… then I really have no choice.

Courageous Lioness!

I didn’t come to G42 to find myself. That wasn’t my purpose. I have always known who I am, no doubt, but I think where I have struggled is WALKING in that confidence. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very confident woman, but I second guess my self CONSTANTLY. I am always doubting my worth, my purpose, if what I have to say is good enough. It’s not something I ever dwelled on, I don’t think it’s something I ever even realized about myself. But almost since the day I arrived here, I have had people calling me out. Friends telling me to speak up, people saying that they were encouraged by the few things I had said, and to say more. I was encouraged, but at the same time confused. Since when had anything I said made a difference? Why would anyone want to hear about the random ‘buzzing’ in my head? And besides, I didn’t come here to talk, I came here to listen and learn.

But I serve a relentless God, and He has called me to be more then a conqueror, and I am stepping into that calling. I’ve started listening to the wonderful friends that have been placed around me and started walking in their encouragement, and I’ve STOPPED listening to the lies of the enemy and STOPPED second guessing myself and doubting my worth. God has blessed me with knowledge about certain things, and passion to see HIS beauty shine through the eyes of others. I can’t stay silent anymore, and I will most likely be wrong some of the time. But having the courage to speak life and light into situations in any circumstances is a powerful thing. I AM a courageous lioness. I AM bold. I AM strong. And I will NOT be silent anymore.

*WHEW* You have no idea how empowering that is to say and believe! Because I know it’s true! And this is something I WILL be walking and living in for the rest of my life! This IS who I am!

I was watching Prince Caspian tonight, and some of the dialogue between Lucy and Aslan really touched my heart. (click the link here to see what I’m talking about)
I know this probably sounds super silly, but in a way, I always knew the ‘buzzing’ in my head was Christ, and I was afraid to speak it out in case I just sounded ridiculous to others. And I can’t dwell on the past and what I didn’t say, but I so look forward to the ways God is going to use me in the future! And I AM as courageous as a lioness!

I’m still young and still learning about so many things. But I’m not going to let that stop me from letting God speak through me and use me in anyway he sees fit! And I NEED all of my friends and family to keep me accountable! Please continue to pray for strength and wisdom to be strong in my heart! Pray for the abolition of passivity and for passion to be ignited! Thank you all so much for your continued love and support!

Freedom in the rain…

For the past few days I have been feeling a desire to share my testimony during ‘family time’ with my house. I initially had no problem with that thought, I love sharing my testimony. So when I started feeling nervous and anxious about it, I knew something wasn’t right. That wasn’t normal for me, I’m never nervous about things like that. So I figured someone in hell really didn’t want me to share, which only persuaded me more to do so. So after dinner last night I shared my testimony honestly and bluntly. I felt a little awkward and exposed, but also very empowered.
Revelation 12:11 They overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony…

Afterwards, a few of the girls and I ended up sticking around in our little sitting room and talking about some of the things I had said and the madness of this world. It was raining really hard and our power ended up going out, but none of us moved. The discussion got more intense and although I couldn’t see anything or anyone and I was sitting all alone, I felt so connected with these beautiful girls who I’m just getting to know in those few special moments. Kingdom came in our sitting room last night. Chains were broken, freedom was proclaimed, and passion was ignited. So amazingly powerful. It’s awesome how much this night was foreseen, and how many doubts and lies were whispered in my ear to try and keep me from speaking. But I’m so glad I did. Out of my humble yet powerful testimony, God bonded us in such wonderful ways. I love my house mates. I love my Jesus. And I love the amazing story of redemption that I see played out time and time again. (Alaina breaths big sigh of contentment) Yeah…. It’s good

My lovely housemates

My wonderful family- BROTHERS!

(I was thinking about my family a lot last night, so I’m going to be doing a few different blogs about the people I love and miss back at home!)

Brothers are such an amazing gift for any girl to have. I am lucky enough to have 4 wonderful brothers that I left when I came to Mijas. Steve is so strong, and kind, and will go to any lengths to help someone in need. David is so wonderful, always ready to talk, and always knows what to say and what I need to hear. And Michael has so much joy and is so sweet and fun. And my newest brother, Kyle. He just married my sister, and I am so happy for them. I miss them all terribly. They are my protectors and my friends and most importantly, they are real men. They aren’t afraid to do what is needed and necessary in order to protect and provide for the ones they love.

Steve

Stephen recently got a job with Ft. Carson Fire department in Colorado, which is a huge deal and a great honor. He has worked so hard and done so much and truly deserves this job. I am so proud of him. He is the first person I would call if I were ever in trouble. He knows what to do in every situation, and is always ready to take care of the people he cares about. I am so grateful for him.

Dave and Catherine

David was a youth pastor for almost 7 years, and is honestly one of my best friends. He stood by my side with all my bratty teenageness and rebellious stages and knows me better than just about anyone. He and his wife Catherine are on the World Race right now, traveling around the world and spreading Christ’s love to the nations. I am so proud of both of them!

Mike

And my little brother Michael is so wonderful. He is special needs, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. He is so full of love, and life, and passion. He loves to learn and to be challenged and figure things out. It is so encouraging to see him grow and overcome different challenges. I love that kid; I miss his laugh and his smile.

Kyle and Christina

Kyle is the newest addition to the family, and it was hard for me to except him at first. I didn’t want to let him into my perfect word, and come between me and my sister. I was so selfish and stubborn the whole time they were dating and most of their engagement. But i’m so glad I got over myself and learned to see him for the amazing guy he really is. He is perfect for my sister, and they are going to live a long, happy life together. I’m so glad they found each other, and that he is now apart of my life!

Although I left my three physical brothers at home, I am lucky enough to have walked into an environment where I get seven more brothers. Seven awesome guys, and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful example of what Godly men should look like around me.

A few of my new bothers!

I love my brothers! All of them!

Quick update on Mijas Life- I STILL love it here I am so happy and grateful that I came, God is continuing to push me out of my comfort zone and expand the way I view the world. Please continue to pray for my strength, confidence, and wisdom while I’m here!

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking

View of Mijas

I have been in Mijas Spain for just over a week now. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m ok, if I’m homesick, if I’m adjusting ok. I frankly don’t understand these questions. I’m in the most beautiful place I can imagine, surrounded by kind, loving, passionate people, and being taught by legit apostles! Am I ok?!? I’M FANTASTIC! Am I homesick? Of course! I love my family and friends and I will miss them dearly. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That knowledge gives me a peace beyond understanding. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to come here, and I am so excited for the challenges that await in these next 6 months.

I am one of three ‘babies’ here. I am 19, and most the interns are in their mid-twenties and are post racers, (meaning they have recently finished the World Race) so it’s been an interesting adjustment thus far. I am joining a game that’s been going on for a few years for the rest of the interns, so I’m a bit behind. And that’s perfectly ok. I came here to receive, to gain wisdom, and to learn all that I can about setting God’s plan for my life in motion as soon as I can. The kingdom of heaven is forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it (Matt 11:12)! AMEN!

The first few days of class have been fairly intense and quite defining already. Andrew Shearman has been teaching us, and he is so anointed just listening to him and seeing the way he lives his life is so encouraging. The way he teaches is so real and so relevant and challenging to hear, yet exciting to believe.
It is going to be a struggle, to not become lethargic and lazy, to get off my computer and focus on community. But it’s so worth it. To see already, the way God has been moving in my heart and the hearts around me. To see the bonds that are already formed between new friends. I love it.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. It truly means the world to me! Your financial support is also very important, so if you would like to support please visit this link:

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Love and miss you all!